The Roots Of My Crumbled Empire
My Story: The Spiritually fatal road of legalism
I sat there…
kicked back in a chair
at a friend’s house party.
Stoned and drunk,
everything
seemed
like slow motion.
People were walking by
and the fog of smoke
was lurking
throughout the house.
I gazed off into the distance,
and I asked myself,
“What
have I become?”
Let’s go back
six or seven years ago,
when I was in
High School.
I was what you call
a “Jesus freak”.
I guess I would describe
myself at that point
as a weird guy
who loved Jesus.
I had been saved
and I
loved it.
I carried my bible
everywhere, throughout
the school halls, lunch,
and even football practice.
It wasn’t because
I was some “Holy-roller”,
instead
I sincerely wanted to have
His written word with
me everywhere.
I didn’t have
many close friends,
but I was perfectly content with
spending all my time with
Jesus.
A deep,
burning desire resonated
within me to preach His word
and tell
others about the gospel.
I truly felt His calling for my life.
Do you want to
know
what happened to me?
This question
must be answered.
There are many going
down
the road I went down,
and it is gravely dangerous.
It is the spiritually fatal
road of legalism.
It is gravely evil,
and it will ruin you
and cause you to forget Christ,
run away from Him,
and be against Him
and His Church
At the beginning
of my spiritual walk,
I had a sincere
childlike faith in Christ.
Sadly, however,
there were some subtle steps
I took
to get to that dark road;
a performance-based life,
a non-biblical brokenness,
and the final step,
self-righteousness.
As I grew in my
knowledge of Christ,
I began seeing my
utter depravity.
I saw in myself a evil sinfulness
that i could not change.
What I did with this truth
was devastating; sadly,
I began
leading
a performance-based lifestyle.
I tried to find joy in my good works.
Every good "duty"
I did
(reading, praying , witnessing,
abstaining from “big” sins)
made me feel better about myself.
I wasn’t finding joy in
Christ’ work, instead,
I found joy in my
work.
I was becoming a Pharisee and
I did not even know it.
This was so easy to
overlook,
because everything I did,
I did in the name of Christ,
but my
methodology
was sinful at the core.
This consequently led to
a non-biblical brokenness.
I
began struggling
heavily with secret sins
and every time I sinned
I got gravely
depressed and broken,
but this did not lead
me to repentance.
Here is the horrible
problem with this.
My view of God and the
Gospel of Jesus was in error.
God is
a just God,
He is, but for the believer
our sin is atoned for by the
death,
burial,
and resurrection
of Jesus Christ.
He took away our debt
and we can
now boldly
stand before God in the
righteousness of Christ.
So, we can live
in
freedom and Joy.
Christ will sanctify
us into His image.
It’s His work, not
ours.
This truth, I forsook.
This is a common
struggle for most Christians.
I
however, took it a step further.
Since I found myself in a
state of depression often,
consequently,
I began excusing my
secret sins that I couldn’t
seem to conquer,
and began focusing more on
my outward performance.
That led to
self-righteousness.
I wasn’t outwardly sinful,
so that’s where I found my joy.
I got applause
from lots of people, because
I was a gifted speaker for my age,
and friends, family,
and church folk praised me for it.
I loved that.
I do confess I loved
the applause and praise.
At this point, prideful and puffed
up,
I began building “my empire”.
I outwardly professed
my “outward” spiritual purity.
I
judged others
for not staying pure,
and also judged others
for under-age
drinking.
Judging pastors
and preachers for
not preaching
the “right way" was
a pastime of mine.
Do you see
the downward spiral?
I became a monster,
formulating many sermons
and studying hard.
Not as a humbled servant,
but as a
puffed up hypocrite.
My “dream”
was being fulfilled.
I
became the president
of Student Council,
the leader of First Priority,
led the
prayer over the intercom
before Friday night football games,
and was nominated
for Mr. GHS
(which is a prestigious award
at the high school I attended).
My view of myself was,
“I’m the man”.
“My” empire
was forming.
Now
all I needed
marked off my list was;
become a better speaker so
I could be a
great pastor
(As if preaching from the
pulpit is the only job of a pastor),
Get
married,
and find a church to pastor.
Please understand my disgust
in typing
all this down.
After High School,
I took a job
as an intern for a
well known evangelist.
At that time I began
reading 10-16 chapters
of the
Bible a day,
going through it
completely every 3-4 months.
My pride was only growing
heavily at
that point.
The evangelist began
teaching me
how to preach,
and I began learning
how to do it well,
using alliterated
and illustrated
3- point
sermons.
I continued getting
praise for my progress.
I then marked off the
next priority on my list,
because I met a girl.
I believed she was the
woman I was
going to marry.
Due to that, consequently,
I left the evangelist before
my intern contract was over,
moved
back home
and got engaged.
Here is where
the outward signs
of my many problems began.
Her and I had many issues,
we argued often,
and were barely ever happy.
I want to preface the
next part with this;
God is on
His Throne.
He can easily
destroy something
that is not pleasing to
Him and is not
for His glory.
The
crumbling of “my”
empire was
quick and devastating.
The engagement
was called
off,
and that’s all it took
to bring me down.
“Wait a
second,
Caleb,
you are
this strong,
devout young preacher,
and you are telling me you
let a broken engagement
do you in?”
Yes,
and here is why,
I was not devout;
I was a fake,
a hypocrite
and a pharisee.
I had formed
“MY” empire,
not His,
and I had found the girl
“I” believed was
meant for me,
but not His girl for me,
and “MY” dreams,
and not His.
So, He
destroyed all that
I had created,
all that I had built,
in one blow.
I got very,
very angry at God.
All of the judgments
I
passed on
friends and family,
quickly became a
reality for me.
My secret sins
became outward sins.
I went from
being an outwardly
sober man preaching in
many
pulpits into a
drunk who had many
one-night stands
in a matter of weeks.
For close to
two years I lived like this.
I did not care about
anything or anyone,
often
hurting many, many
people in the process.
As disgusted and humbled
as I am by sharing all
of this, this is
my favorite part of the story.
It was easy as cake for God to
destroy my evil
legalistic empire,
and it was just as easy for
Him to get me back.
It was as
simple as a wreck
that injured me pretty bad,
and a girl I dated in High
School
inviting me to go to church
soon after the wreck,
to
cause me to run to the foot
of my Savior once again.
I willfully turned my back on Christ,
He came and chased me down.
He wouldn't let me go.
He came and brought me to my knees.
He turned my world upside down,
My life will be forever changed.
Oh the wonder of the grace of Christ!!!
This time, wanting what
He
has in store for me.
His dreams, His life, His work,
His love, and
His magnificent glory
are all that
matters to me now.
I could care less about
being a famous preacher,
I just want
Jesus.
I see my utter sinfulness
and depravity,
and realize there is
absolutely
nothing
I can do to change that,
but Christ can and DID.
The wondrous love and
joy of Christ fills my soul.
So,
as I am typing
down,
I am now a plumber
instead of a preacher,
who is desperately in
love with Jesus Christ
and His grace.
I am simply awe-struck
of His love
and plans.
I don’t know what God
has in store for me,
and it’s not how
I would have
planned it,
but that’s why God
does all the planning.
I do beg you
my dear friend,
and I pray earnestly that
you will not go down
the same dark road
that I traveled down.
Stay close to the heart of
Christ,
and fight for humility.
“For He
rescued us
from the domain of darkness,
and transferred us
to the kingdom of His
beloved Son,
in whom we have redemption,
the forgiveness of sins”.
Colossians 1:13-14
