What Have I become?

   The Roots Of My Crumbled Empire

                My Story: The Spiritually fatal road of legalism

                      I sat there… kicked back in a chair 
                           at a friend’s house party.
                      Stoned and drunk, 
                       everything seemed 
                       like slow motion. 
                         People were walking by
                         and the fog of smoke 
                    was lurking
                     throughout the house. 

                       I gazed off into the distance, 
                    and I asked myself,
                      “What have I become?”

Let’s go back 
six or seven years ago, 
when I was in High School. 
I was what you call 
a “Jesus freak”. 
I guess I would describe
 myself at that point 
 as a weird guy 
who loved Jesus. 
I had been saved 
and I loved it. 

             I carried my bible 
everywhere, throughout 
the school halls, lunch,
 and even football practice.

              It wasn’t because 
I was some “Holy-roller”,
 instead I sincerely wanted to have
 His written word with 
me everywhere.
 I didn’t have many close friends,
 but I was perfectly content with 
spending all my time with Jesus. 

            A deep,
 burning desire resonated 
within me to preach His word
 and tell others about the gospel. 
I truly felt His calling for my life. 

           Do you want to know 
what happened to me? 

            This question 
must be answered.
 There are many going down 
the road I went down, 
and it is gravely dangerous. 
It is the spiritually fatal 
road of legalism. 
It is gravely evil, 
and it will ruin you  
and cause you to forget Christ,
 run away from Him, 
and be against Him
 and His Church

              At the beginning 
of my spiritual walk, 
I had a sincere 
childlike faith in Christ. 
Sadly, however,
 there were some subtle steps
 I took to get to that dark road;
 a performance-based life,
 a non-biblical brokenness,
 and the final step, 
self-righteousness.

As I grew in my 
knowledge of Christ,
 I began seeing my utter depravity.
I saw in myself a evil sinfulness 
that i could not change. 
What I did with this truth
 was devastating; sadly, 
I began leading 
a performance-based lifestyle. 
I tried to find joy in my good works. 
Every good "duty" I did 
(reading, praying , witnessing,
 abstaining from “big” sins)  
made me feel better about myself.

                I wasn’t finding joy in
 Christ’ work, instead, 
I found joy in my work. 
I was becoming a Pharisee and
 I did not even know it. 
This was so easy to overlook,
 because everything I did, 
I did in the name of Christ,
 but my methodology 
was sinful at the core.

This consequently led to 
a non-biblical brokenness. 
I began struggling 
heavily with secret sins 
and every time I sinned
 I got gravely depressed and broken, 
but this did not lead 
me to repentance. 

 Here is the horrible
 problem with this. 

My view of God and the 
Gospel of Jesus was in error. 
God is a just God, 
He is, but for the believer 
our sin is atoned for by the 
death, burial,
 and resurrection 
of Jesus Christ. 
He took away our debt
 and we can now boldly 
stand before God in the 
righteousness of Christ. 

So, we can live 
in freedom and Joy. 
Christ will sanctify 
us into His image.
 It’s His work, not ours. 

This truth, I forsook. 
This is a common 
struggle for most Christians.
 I however, took it a step further.

Since I found myself in a 
state of depression often, 
consequently, 
I began excusing my 
secret sins that I couldn’t 
seem to conquer, 
and began focusing more on 
my outward performance.

That led to 
self-righteousness.
 I wasn’t outwardly sinful, 
so that’s where I found my joy. 
I got applause 
from lots of people, because
 I was a gifted speaker for my age, 
and friends, family, 
and church folk praised me for it.

 I loved that. 
I do confess I loved 
the applause and praise.
 At this point, prideful and puffed up,
 I began building “my empire”.

I outwardly professed 
my “outward” spiritual purity. 
I judged others 

     for not staying pure, 

and also judged others
 for under-age drinking. 
Judging pastors
 and preachers for 
not preaching 
the “right way" was 
a pastime of mine. 

            Do you see 
the downward spiral?

 I became a monster, 
formulating many sermons 
and studying hard. 

Not as a humbled servant,
 but as a 
puffed up hypocrite.

           My “dream” 
was being fulfilled.
 I became the president 
of Student Council,
 the leader of First Priority, 
led the prayer over the intercom 
before Friday night football games, 
and was nominated for Mr. GHS
 (which is a prestigious award 
at the high school I attended).
 My view of myself was,
 “I’m the man”. 

          “My” empire 
was forming. 
Now all I needed
 marked off my list was;
 become a better speaker so 
I could be a great pastor
 (As if preaching from the 
pulpit is the only job of a pastor),
 Get married, 
and find a church to pastor. 
Please understand my disgust 
in typing all this down. 

            After High School,
 I took a job
  as an intern for a 
well known evangelist. 
At that time I began 
reading 10-16 chapters 
of the Bible a day, 
going through it 
completely every 3-4 months.

 My pride was only growing 
heavily at that point. 
The evangelist began 
teaching me 
how to preach, 
and I began learning 
how to do it well, 
using alliterated
 and  illustrated 
3- point sermons.

            I continued getting 
praise for my progress. 
I then marked off the 
next priority on my list, 
because I met a girl.
 I believed she was the
 woman I was 
going to marry.

Due to that, consequently, 
I left the evangelist before 
my intern contract was over, 
moved back home 
and got engaged.

                 Here is where 
the outward signs 
of my many problems began. 
Her and I had many issues, 
we argued often, 
and were barely ever happy.

I want to preface the 
next part with this;
 God is on His Throne. 
He can easily 
destroy something
 that is not pleasing to
 Him and is not 
for His glory. 
The crumbling of “my” 
empire was 
quick and devastating. 
The engagement 
was called off, 
and that’s all it took 
to bring me down. 

“Wait a 
second, 
Caleb,
 you are this strong, 
devout young preacher, 
and you are telling me you 
let a broken engagement 
do you in?”  

Yes, 

and here is why, 
I was not devout;
 I was a fake, 
a hypocrite 
and a pharisee.

 I had formed 
“MY” empire, 
not His, 
and I had found the girl 
“I” believed was
 meant for me, 
but not His girl for me,
 and “MY” dreams, 
and not His. 
So, He destroyed all that 
I had created,
 all that I had built,
 in one blow.

                            I got very,
                              very angry at God. 
                               All of the judgments
                                I passed on 
                              friends and family, 

quickly became a 
reality for me. 
My secret sins 
became outward sins. 

I went from 
being an outwardly 
sober man preaching in
many pulpits into a 
drunk who had many 
one-night stands 
in a matter of weeks. 
For close to 
two years I lived like this. 
I did not care about 
anything or anyone, 
often hurting many, many
people in the process.

As disgusted and humbled  
as I am by sharing all 
of this, this is 
my favorite part of the story.
 It was easy as cake for God to 
destroy my evil legalistic empire, 
and it was just as easy for
 Him to get me back.

 It was as simple as a wreck
 that injured me pretty bad, 
and a girl I dated in High School 
inviting me to go to church 
soon after the wreck, 
to cause me to run to the foot 
of my Savior once again.

I willfully turned my back on Christ,
He came and chased me down.
He wouldn't let me go.
He came and brought me to my knees.
He turned my world upside down,
My life will be forever changed.
Oh the wonder of the grace of Christ!!! 
  

This time, wanting what 
He has in store for me.
 His dreams, His life, His work, 
His love, and 
His magnificent glory
 are all that matters to me now. 

           I could care less about 
being a famous preacher, 
I just want Jesus.

I see my utter sinfulness 
and depravity, 
and realize there is 
absolutely nothing 
I can do to change that, 
but Christ can and DID.
The wondrous love and 
joy of Christ fills my soul. 

          So,
 as I am typing
down, 
I am now a plumber
 instead of a preacher, 
who is desperately in 
love with Jesus Christ
 and His grace. 

             I am simply awe-struck 
of His love and plans. 
I don’t know what God
 has in store for me,
 and it’s not how
 I would have planned it, 
but that’s why God
 does all the planning.

             I do beg you
 my dear friend,
 and I pray earnestly that 
you will not go down
 the same dark road 
that I traveled down. 
Stay close to the heart of 
Christ, 
and fight for humility. 

“For He rescued us
 from the domain of darkness, 
and transferred us 
to the kingdom of His 
beloved Son, 
in whom we have redemption, 
the forgiveness of sins”.
 Colossians 1:13-14